I have always been more cerebrally inclined than physically. Even though I sometimes reveled in my body (especially in my early twenties), I never really felt comfortable in it. The curse of the tall girl, all that slumping, all that trying to fade into the woodwork. Plus, I was raised by someone who saw danger around every corner. So when I was a child and would have been happy to run headlong down a hill or crash about on a bicycle, I was marinated in all the possible ways that pain might accompany such romps.
No wonder I buried myself in books. I might read about the highs and lows of the physical body, but I only experienced them second hand. I was a bookish girl who played the violin and wrote poetry.
Then this spring I had a health scare. Oh not my first, but perhaps the first that I actually took seriously, the first I came out of on the other side of thankful to still be moving in this physical plane. And I began to run.
If that’s what you could call what I was doing. Forty-six years old and I couldn’t run for a full minute. Sure, some of that was due to health issues, but most of it was due to never having pushed myself physically and fear of the continual possibility of falling over my own feet. Plus, I looked like a full-on dork in my saggy ten-year-old yoga pants and joggling out of shape body parts.
But I stuck with it…. rain, sun, busy, foolish, bored, triumphant, dismayed, bear on path, badly sprained ankle, etc. Seven months now. I bought a used treadmill when the weather (and the charismatic megafauna) might have shut me down for the season. I’m okay with looking dorky.
And slowly, I’m feeling more in control of my body. Today as my partner and I walked over icy rocks, I felt like my balance was better, my ability to control my own feet improved. The other day, I realized that I’m not out of breath anymore when I run, nor do my knees hurt going up the stairs. For the first time in my life, I am inhabiting my own body.
I’m thankful for how well it works (even after I’ve treated it so badly for so long). I’m thankful for the fact it carries me into the world with it’s cold wind, sun-squint mountain-tops, wood-smoke, chocolate pecan pie, warmth of my partner against me while I sleep, laughter of friends, music, and every other physical thing. Yep, I feel a bit like Emily Webb from Thornton Wilder’s great play Our Town, “Oh World, you are too beautiful for anyone to realize you.”
Thankful that I can realize you, oh World. Thankful.
aw i felt a little bit sad on the first part of your post and then i smiled when i reached the last part. I felt sad because i remember my childhood days how i used to run in beach-not sandy beach but rocky, rocks that came out when the volcano erupted in our little island. How we played from day till the moon come out. No fear at all of falling or getting hurt. Maybe because i was small? haha. I’m glad you can now experience the exhilarating feeling of running till your out of breath or even the joy of feeling your body work it out
Hello Fellow Struggling (and Now Succeeding) Runner!
I, too, ran for the first time in my 40s. As a lifelong severe asthmatic I never, ever imagined I would be able to run. Today I join you in shouting, “Thank you Body! Thank you Lungs!”
The body, like the mind (that sometimes holds us back), is a powerful, mysterious thing.
Run on,
Drew
What a surprise to find this piece, and a pleasant one at that. I expected a poem, but enjoyed your confession and the shared truths that lie within it.
Thank you for hymning the body so courageously. Especially ‘we cerebral types’ benefit from frequent reminders of body’s hymnworthiness (one of the reasons I so appreciate Elytis, Cavafy and some of the other Greek poets).
I especially admire your hint that beginning to run was also the beginning to cease to evade.
Erin, I’m hopelessly behind on blog reading but was so happy to read this post this morning. Congrats to you, courageous runner! I, too, have been living in my body differently of late (though not running). The body… sometimes we forget to give it its due. Thanks for this reminder to do so.